I'm all for clubbing, but not for drinking



            It would be disingenuous to suggest drinking alcohol does not occur often during the high school years.  It does and there's little benefit in pretending otherwise.  But drinking before the age of twenty-one is also illegal and there's something hypocritical about enjoying the benefits of our democratic republic while at the same time engaging-in or condoning activities which that same system deems unacceptable.  One can, of course, skirt the issue by simply ignoring the laws found inconvenient, but this raises an ethical slippery slope which is extremely easy to slide down and just as difficult to reascend.

            Because of this, I would like to suggest an alternative to teenage drinking, an activity which, as far as I can tell, fulfills all the goals that the former does, but can be done without the smallest twinge of moral guilt or the slightest fear of criminal prosecution.  The proposal may seem strange at first, perhaps even absurd, but please keep an open mind when I suggest that the act of drinking can be effectively replaced, in all relevant facets, by teenagers rearing back, taking careful aim, and beating each other severely in the head with two-by-fours.

            Believe me, you're not going to get a better buzz than the semi-comatose state one achieves with the quick and powerful cranial impact delivered by a hefty beam of lumber.  And if one knock doesn't do the trick, just keep on going.  Sooner or later, you'll find yourself confused, nauseous, hunched over a piece of furniture with the room spinning out of control as a line of drool dribbles down your chin and everyone laughs at you.  Now that's what I call a good time. 

            Of course, understand from the outset, if you begin to partake in this fun with some frequency, your skull will gradually build a resistance to any series of strikes applied.  While at first it will only take a few wheelhouse cracks to the temple to mellow out, later highs will probably require several concentrated strikes to the basal ganglia followed by a few "chasers" around the occipital lobe.  Not to worry, though.  While brain damage does tend to be accretionary, this is more than compensated by the impressive reputation you'll be building.  Really, is there anything more attractive than someone who can take a string of timber poundings to the forehead without developing acute neurological disorders?  I mean, come on, it's just hot.  Granted, you'll probably be in diapers before the age of forty-five and by then each admirer will be long gone, off in a serious relationship with someone who doesn't wear velcro shoes or find Disney's Speak-n-Spell intellectually grueling.  But, honestly, who among us isn't willing to trade future decades of dyslexia and uncontrolled twitching for several nights of sweet multiple concussions?

            To be frank, the only people who won't join-in are the killjoys too afraid to have a good time.  Believe me, I've seen dumb losers like that all my life. When I was in high school, after a big football game, we'd get together to see how many ice picks we could jam up our nostrils and there were always a few spineless morons who stood off to the side and said, "I don't know you guys.  That seems kind of dangerous."  I'd tell them, "Give me a break; my sister's in college and they self-lobotomize all the time.  Why don't you grow up and stop acting like babies?"

            Sadly, these idiots won't be alone in looking to put a damper on the good times.  Parents who are cool understand there's little harm in their children getting bashed repeatedly in the head with wooden planks as long as it's done in a supervised setting, but there are plenty of others who will blindly refuse to let their kids go to parties if there's a chance they'll return bleeding from the ears and violently convulsing whenever someone mentions Home Depot.  It's like, "What's your problem?  Why don't you let other people live their own lives?  Seriously."  And I don't even want to think about all the lame PSAs and student groups and health organizations that will feel the need to chime-in with their stupid two cents.  I can already imagine an editorial statement being released by the AMA: "blah blah blah, we believe the human neocortex should not be treated like a baby's rattle, blah blah blah".  Listen Dr. Starched Bowtie, nobody asked for your opinion, okay?  Being young isn't about being responsible.  It's about having fun, going to parties, and letting other people treat your cranium like a tee-ball.

            Naturally, there may be times when the extensive neural hemorrhaging leads to a little careless behavior.  There will be times when repeatedly bashing the back of someone’s skull like it was a cement Piñata mistakenly turns into violent confrontation.  And perhaps there will be times when a young girl confides to her friends, "I don't understand what happened.  We were just sitting on the couch, having a good time, beating each other over the head with a couple of fence posts, and then one thing led to another and...you know...but I don't...I just can't think of why I would have acted that way."

These things do happen.  But to take away the joyous camaraderie of giving and receiving skull fractures for the thoughtless actions of a few just doesn’t make sense.  Self-inflicted brain damage is as American as apple pie and baseball and taking seventeen semesters to finish college.  It’s who we are.  And to put it bluntly, if you’re going to rescind our rights as a people, then you might just as well take the Constitution right off the wall, put it on the floor, and beat it with a two-by-four.